Spam & Mullets: The Return of the BAM???

ocmike24:

Two in a row for me!!!

Success! I need to find an alibi as I think I may have to commit patricide. Anyone want a slightly used dad? He is well over seventy and probably doesn't have but ten or fifteen years left on this mortal coil. His plusses, his financial worth is in the eight figures and he is old - have I said that before? His minuses, too many to list, but if you have a lawyer who is willing to go the distance, you could have him committed. Me, I lack the energy, time or bribery skills to get him locked away.

Mind you, if I leave it up to Herself, she will likely do the deed herself. Of course, the kids will hate us, they like the old goat. Sure they do, as Bill Cosby says, he is old and trying to get into heaven. Man couldn't crowbar his wallet open for me to buy a stick of gum, but now he drops Benjamins on these kids like they are starving and naked in the street. Bitter....nah!

grabarkewitz:

Evening, crowd. Lovely day, the dad decided to get into my ass before my coffee. Told him to spend time with the kiddage and leave me be. I am sure that pissed him off and when he found out that Mary and I had locked ourselves in our respective rooms (my office, her Wii room), he spent the time bitching through the door at me. Of course, when the draft was over, I had to deal with the bastid.

Seems he is ticked at me because I didn't genuflect when he showed up and then ignored him. I told him that I didn't invite you here. You show up out of the blue and expect me to drop what I am doing to spend time with a person I don't like. He acts shocked, like this is something new. He comes up with the statement that he didn't raise me to be disrespectful and I tell him that he didn't raise me at all. If it wasn't for the fact that I could get away with driving at 13 and that he was such a freakin' lush that clipping money from his wallet to buy food and clothes for his family was no big deal, we would've likely starved to death. It is funny because he seems to compartmentalize everything and it wasn't his fault that he was busy working (and drinking, and humping anything wearing a skirt - it is a wonder I don't have dozens of other siblings) to not spend much time with us. Yeah, those eight hours a day at work and the next eight at the local bar and flesh parlor will fill a day.

After I say this, I know I have went too far. Sure enough, he starts to apologize. I hate when he apologizes because it is more about assuaging his conscience than any remorse. I just tell him that if I wanted an apology, I would've asked. Anyway, he goes off to find the kids and try to spoil them. Fine by me, both Katja and Drake have figured him out, but don't want to insult him by saying no to the gifts and money.

The evening was interesting. I know he said something to Mary to piss her off because she was scarce as we were watching the basketball game. He is leaving Saturday morning to go up to the only kid who respects him. If that is what he believes, fine by me. I know that only reason my youngest brother wants him around is to make sure he gets top billing in the will. I am sure it will be fun when my brother's permanent houseguest - the mom - and the dad get together. I am sure it will be an award-winning episode of COPS.

Wow. So, other than all that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln...?

grabarkewitz:

Evening, crowd. Lovely day, the dad decided to get into my ass before my coffee. Told him to spend time with the kiddage and leave me be. I am sure that pissed him off and when he found out that Mary and I had locked ourselves in our respective rooms (my office, her Wii room), he spent the time bitching through the door at me. Of course, when the draft was over, I had to deal with the bastid.

Seems he is ticked at me because I didn't genuflect when he showed up and then ignored him. I told him that I didn't invite you here. You show up out of the blue and expect me to drop what I am doing to spend time with a person I don't like. He acts shocked, like this is something new. He comes up with the statement that he didn't raise me to be disrespectful and I tell him that he didn't raise me at all. If it wasn't for the fact that I could get away with driving at 13 and that he was such a freakin' lush that clipping money from his wallet to buy food and clothes for his family was no big deal, we would've likely starved to death. It is funny because he seems to compartmentalize everything and it wasn't his fault that he was busy working (and drinking, and humping anything wearing a skirt - it is a wonder I don't have dozens of other siblings) to not spend much time with us. Yeah, those eight hours a day at work and the next eight at the local bar and flesh parlor will fill a day.

After I say this, I know I have went too far. Sure enough, he starts to apologize. I hate when he apologizes because it is more about assuaging his conscience than any remorse. I just tell him that if I wanted an apology, I would've asked. Anyway, he goes off to find the kids and try to spoil them. Fine by me, both Katja and Drake have figured him out, but don't want to insult him by saying no to the gifts and money.

The evening was interesting. I know he said something to Mary to piss her off because she was scarce as we were watching the basketball game. He is leaving Saturday morning to go up to the only kid who respects him. If that is what he believes, fine by me. I know that only reason my youngest brother wants him around is to make sure he gets top billing in the will. I am sure it will be fun when my brother's permanent houseguest - the mom - and the dad get together. I am sure it will be an award-winning episode of COPS.

Sounds pretty much like my Dad, except for the being worth 8 figures part. At least my father did us a favor and died before he got out of his forties.

bigblaster:

Explains my speeding ticket collection. I wonder if the next officer that pulls me over will buy this line of reasoning.

Gee Torgy, I'm going to miss your Dad. But I'm sure it's for the best, sounds like he could destroy 12 years of therapy in less than 5 minutes.

Pastis has a sick mind.

bigblaster:

That's why I like him.

Goes without saying, but it's still okay to say it.

grabarkewitz:

Morning, all. Great morning it is, also. The dad is gone, left here at 8pm, yesterday and none too soon. Had to spend all day yesterday keeping him away from the rest of the family. He was doing wonders ticking off everyone. Started the day by telling Katja she is a loser if she continues to work for Barnes & Noble. An unspoken thought is a wonderful thing, old man. I wish I knew what made him say that. Maybe some crossed wire in his less that stable mind or just that he wanted to see what her reaction would be. So, he got the reaction he wanted because she spent the morning back in the dumps.

Then he tells Herself that he liked Denise better. That would've been fine because Mary doesn't need his approval. But, he has to elaborate about Denise's figure over Mary's. Great move, old man. I have to save the bastid from getting his ass beat down by woman nearly a foot and a half shorter than him. I had ask him if he was expecting to spend the day in the ER or something? He just gives me some just kidding story about getting a laugh out of everyone. I told him he is 0-2 and killing my patience.

I had to remind him that he didn't like Denise, either. Reminded him that he always called her, "That N-word" whenever they were anywhere in hearing distance. Plus, he was the one who wanted to get into a fight with her father because the bastid can't be friendly.

Finally, the straw that broke the backs. Drake, in a move that will be called stupid for the next millennium, brings over his girlfriend, Kelsey. The dad sees this as fresh meat. Before Drake can finish the introductions, the old man asks Kelsey if Drake is any good in bed. I nearly choked on air. Had to physically drag the old man out of the house and threaten to knock out his teeth. He thought he was telling a joke or something and didn't think it was any big deal. I suggested that he go to Deer Valley and spout his racist crap there. If all goes well, I can identify the body after dinner.

I think he finally figured it out because he said he wouldn't darken my door again. I can't say I am disappointed. It seems that for every decent thing he does, he does ten rotten things to balance the scales. He kicked in to buy Paula and Tony a house and then propositions Paula at her wedding. He offers to get Katja a job with a friend of his and then calls her an airhead at our last family gathering. Man doesn't get it, at all.

You guys should star in a reality show. I'd watch it.

ocmike24:

Metiquet, you mean you've never seen: "The Barrister and the Brazilian", weeknights at 9 on E?

I wish! I would love to be on tv. How is everyone? Chris is getting over his one day cold. I think spending two days with his dad wore him out. I have never seen Chris so upset. He was snapping at everyone and really stressed. I do not mind Ben so much, he is just a pain, but he knows what to say to get Chris mad. Ben did try to tick me off by saying I am not as sexy as Denise, but I got mostly a eww out of that. I am glad he is gone because Chris finally relaxed and we did not have to tip toe around here.

Oh wow, how could I forget, Chris bought me a new car, yesterday. Blaster gave me a good idea on the Saturn and Chris bought me a Vue Hybrid and traded in my truck. It is almost the same color as Chris's Escalador and it is fun to drive. I like having a smaller car to drive, it will not be such a pain to park. Chris told me that it is my early anniversary gift. I am sure he will buy me something else, but if he does not, I will still be happy. My car is so cute. Katja and I went for drive around town with it and she wants to drive it, next.

I may have to do something special for him on his birthday. It is only a little over a month away. I wish I had an idea on what he would like, but he is hard to buy for. I know he loves his Japanese cartoons and action figure and he likes reading books, but I really do not know about this stuff and the only author he reads he has all of his books. Paula suggested I buy him tickets to see the Dodgers. That might be fun. Katja told me get myself something sexy to wear and that would make Chris happy. She has such a dirty mind.

Oh, I have a funny story. Drake managed to talk Chris into buying him some....wow how do I say it....rubbers. There, I said it. So, we went to Costco because Chris figured he better get a lot. I am not happy about this. Drake is my baby and he is not supposed to be even thinking about such things. Anyway, Chris is razzing Drake about the whole thing and it seems that Drake mentioned it to Paula and she went on about her sex life with Anthony which made Drake want to throw up. So Chris starts telling Drake lies about our sex life and Drake said we can shoot him now, he knows too much. Chris can be so mean, some times.

Okay, time to go to bed. Chris is lounging around up here and I should thank him for my new car. Maybe I can get a breakfast too, tomorrow morning.

thebrazilian:

I wish! I would love to be on tv. How is everyone? Chris is getting over his one day cold. I think spending two days with his dad wore him out. I have never seen Chris so upset. He was snapping at everyone and really stressed. I do not mind Ben so much, he is just a pain, but he knows what to say to get Chris mad. Ben did try to tick me off by saying I am not as sexy as Denise, but I got mostly a eww out of that. I am glad he is gone because Chris finally relaxed and we did not have to tip toe around here.

Oh wow, how could I forget, Chris bought me a new car, yesterday. Blaster gave me a good idea on the Saturn and Chris bought me a Vue Hybrid and traded in my truck. It is almost the same color as Chris's Escalador and it is fun to drive. I like having a smaller car to drive, it will not be such a pain to park. Chris told me that it is my early anniversary gift. I am sure he will buy me something else, but if he does not, I will still be happy. My car is so cute. Katja and I went for drive around town with it and she wants to drive it, next.

I may have to do something special for him on his birthday. It is only a little over a month away. I wish I had an idea on what he would like, but he is hard to buy for. I know he loves his Japanese cartoons and action figure and he likes reading books, but I really do not know about this stuff and the only author he reads he has all of his books. Paula suggested I buy him tickets to see the Dodgers. That might be fun. Katja told me get myself something sexy to wear and that would make Chris happy. She has such a dirty mind.

Oh, I have a funny story. Drake managed to talk Chris into buying him some....wow how do I say it....rubbers. There, I said it. So, we went to Costco because Chris figured he better get a lot. I am not happy about this. Drake is my baby and he is not supposed to be even thinking about such things. Anyway, Chris is razzing Drake about the whole thing and it seems that Drake mentioned it to Paula and she went on about her sex life with Anthony which made Drake want to throw up. So Chris starts telling Drake lies about our sex life and Drake said we can shoot him now, he knows too much. Chris can be so mean, some times.

Okay, time to go to bed. Chris is lounging around up here and I should thank him for my new car. Maybe I can get a breakfast too, tomorrow morning.

Wow, that's...oddly sweet that Drake was honest to Chris about the whole condom thing. I remember going to the drug store with my best friend when I was 16 to buy condoms for the first time. It was terrifying. It STILL is terrifying, but if I've learned one thing, it's that girls should never leave that stuff up to a guy, haha. But the point is, I never would have in a MILLION years EVER brought it up to my parents, then, now, or the day I get married, if it ever happens.

I bet it must be scary from a parent's perspective. Ahhh. I don't even know how I'm going to deal with that in the far distant future, if I ever have kids. How intense. On the bright side...at least he's concerned about being safe? That's a very good thing, at least.

WickedCurves:

Wow, that's...oddly sweet that Drake was honest to Chris about the whole condom thing. I remember going to the drug store with my best friend when I was 16 to buy condoms for the first time. It was terrifying. It STILL is terrifying, but if I've learned one thing, it's that girls should never leave that stuff up to a guy, haha. But the point is, I never would have in a MILLION years EVER brought it up to my parents, then, now, or the day I get married, if it ever happens.

I bet it must be scary from a parent's perspective. Ahhh. I don't even know how I'm going to deal with that in the far distant future, if I ever have kids. How intense. On the bright side...at least he's concerned about being safe? That's a very good thing, at least.

I remember the time I asked my dad for the same courtesy and he gave me a couple bucks and told me where the drug store was located. Those are moments one can rarely forget.

Honestly, I couldn't pass on this opportunity to rip on him. Good times were had by all, except the boy. Among the twenty questions were testing, applying and disposal. Let's just say his mother turned green after the first two questions. Good times, good times.

We have become a nation of truck-drivers. Is this a good thing?

shmolnick:

We have become a nation of truck-drivers. Is this a good thing?

Doesn't bother me any. But the funny thing is, I was just thinking that very same thing yesterday when I passed a baseball field here in town. The curb was lined with vehicles for about 200 yards - every single one of them a truck or SUV. Every single one. Now of course, Tucson is the high desert with mountains on all four sides. We do a lot of recreational driving around here. But still, I was a little surprised.

For me, I'm a big guy with arthritis. I just can't get in and out of a smaller car 10 times a day anymore. Too painful. I slide in and out of the truck nice and easy - it's wonderful. Someday, I'll buy myself something that's both big, AND good on the gas. But for now, such vehicles are above my paygrade.

The 3rd